I pause to look at him for a moment. He is in a fit of rage. Eyes blood shot and nerves popping. This man is yelling and gritting his teeth at me. I don't really understand what I did. I cannot fathom what I could have possibly done to cause this reaction. Since I was born it seems I have been fighting for myself. Fighting to survive. Fighting to live. But then one day you wake up and you look at the sky and after that long lengthy stare. You have nothing else to say or to contemplate but why? Why survive? Why live?
What makes us want to hold on to this life? Is there some great treasure of which I am not aware? Something so indescribable and untouchable if a certain path is not walked? I want to know the feeling that a purpose is there. That a purpose gives me reason but not just reason but good reason. Do we only hold on to this life because of the fear of death? Is our will to live only so strong because we are sure that there is nothing left?
Lately I have been doing nothing but contemplating meaning, meaning in every situation, in every context, in every action, and in the following reaction. I've thought of you and the tears upons tears I shed and for what reason? I just wanted to be appreciated by you. Admired. Like you were a part of me. I could have left myself go. I could have easily used your words as real weapons against me. But they built me. They made me stronger. Made me harder to break. Made me mistrusting of even those I can trust. I wonder around now, aimlessly. It is true I am aimless. I am a bird not caged but a bird with no where to go. No place to call home. No bread of my own. Nothing like glue to stick me to a place. I just wander.
I am nothing absent in your mind. In fact, I bet you think of me all the time. You are troubled deeply within yourself and you do your best to take it out on everyone else. You cannot withhold or control yourself. Your rage is alway on and the temperature is always high. You'd rather make everyone suffer than to try and stay calm for a while.
If there is no reason to survive or to live, why do we strive towards it? We all have an ultimate goal. It is possible different for everyone but the truth is that we all have something planting us here. Whether it be fear or hope, love or hate. We are here to gain what we have so often thought and sought about. We are not aimless by nature. We were born with the strongest of wings to fly. And fly away. Away from misery. But something tells me we have become clipped and transfixed on one spot. One position keeping us grounded. What is being grounded anyway? Is realism any kind of thought process? Do you have to think to know what you see? Perhaps the mere observation is all you can withstand.
But as for me, the idealist. I see the unseen. The imaginary. The illusionary. The possibilities. I am only aimless in my lack of decisiveness. I realize you think you're way right, my way wrong. But that is because you cannot withstand the idea of something more. Something greater that the ground you walk on. You just see the world as it is and you complain. You complain because you can feel your weakness.
You yell at me because you are weaker than me. It took me so long to realize this. The truth of the matter is this; that all us have a purpose whether we identify with it or not but deep down we have the ache that creates a longing within us for it. And when you summit to reality and believe in only what is and not what could be you lose most of the possibility to ever meet your purpose head on. Idealism is more human. Idealism is natural, realism is created.
If you believe in anything believe that you exist or a purpose. Believe it with every strand of hair on your body and every pour on your skin and every drop or blood or ever tear you could ever cry. Believe that you are more than the eye can see. You are what you ache for, you are more.
And If you don't know that you are more and you do not follow your true path even if it is against the grain you will have every reason in the world for rage. But you can't hold it in and you can't let it out enough to satisfy yourself. After years of knowing and living with you I realize that there are very few people whom withhold this much in them. Very few people whom dwell so much on the actions and reactions of others that it causes deep bouts of depression and rage that can interfere with you relationship and your life in general.
Imagine with me the greatest ache or itch. Nothing seems to sooth it and you constantly always feel it. But instead of wondering what it is, why it's there or where it's coming from you just ignore it. You might agitated it. Cover it up. Give others reason to believe it is something else. But in reality it is your purpose clawing at your feet. Scratching at your scalp. Waiting for you to open your mind to any and all opportunities. The quick fix would be to accept life as it comes in any position. The quick fix is letting your mind wander. The quick fix is idealism versus realism. Imagine the world better and it is. Whatever you think exists does. Whether or not their is notable evidence from others, you are in control of you. Others are not in control of you and you do not control others.
While you are in control you need to know this and remember why the aggravation is there. It is there as a natural push to do what you are meant to do, a spark to a fiery dream but when one let's go of dreams they turn into a vast array of rages. Rages of the mind. Rages of the heart. Rages of the soul and all the rest of your body feels like it wants to fall to pieces. To break. Rage is a feeling, easily controlled, so why do you let it get the best of you? Because you have chosen realism over idealism.
You see the world with blind and half open eyes. You hear the winds whispers of solace and hopefulness with a tone deaf ear. You touch the tangible with thieving hands. Think anything tangible is real? No! Spirituality is the only real thing. Ideas are the only real thing.
This is why I believe realism causes rage and idealism promotes a more positive and reflective lifestyle. A lifestyle that is boundless versus one that is caged and unsatisfying.
Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
"no matter what people try to tell you words and ideas can change the world"
-dead poets society "I don't care what car you drive, where you live, if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this years cutting edge. If your trust funds unlimited. If you are an A-list, B-list, never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you've been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind."
-andre jordan
