One entire side of my body, the left side, is starting to ache terribly because of those damn ipod ear buds. Each bud is too big for my tiny ears and have rubbed, rubbed, and rubbed my ears raw. Now I have a scab. Which seems to be infected because now the pain is not only in my ear but all down the left side of my neck and my left lymph node is you guessed it swollen. Guess these large ear buds are making me sick. Or perhaps this is just another one of those irritating things that keep happening to me. And I just stand around like ah duh...what do I do?
I feel stupid. Which is something I would have difficulty admitting. But I am disappointed in myself. I feel listless. I am so thankful for everything I have ever gotten or anyone who has ever helped me in anyway. But I'm making the shitlist all on my own. I am so passionate about something one minute and the next minute it is nothing more than a passing fancy. But I say I want to do this and I want to do that and when I speak about these things I am not talking just to talk. I do want to do those things.
I just don't really have faith in myself. Not like I used to. The faith I used to have in my abilities is far gone. I start thinking about how progressive and regressive the last few years have been for me. Basically I'm always right where I left on. Did I learn anything?
I have, I know that I have but I just feel so freaking stuck.
Stuck without faith, stuck without hope, stuck with a pray.
Oh religion, is that what I need? Am I a lost lamb again?
I don't know. I don't think I am lost. I know what I know. I believe in what I believe and could careless what others do.
I don't know if I care at all honestly.
I mean there are so many discrepancies between the way things are and the way things should be. So many that everyone just think that what is, IS. and IS is unchangeable. But that's a lie.
I feel like a lot of this life and a lot of this meaning is a lie.
I mean there are moments, real moments in your life where you will feel on top of the world and you will look around and see all the wonderful people and say something to yourself like "this is it, this is what life is all about" but then there are moments where the same exact situation is at play and it seems so different. So dull. So meaningless.
Not that the people are meaningless or that the interaction between them is ever meaningless but I look at a few things and start to wonder if the meaning is really there.
For instance there are times I look at all the world and can find no meaning in anything other than the need for survival for ourselves and each other. Survival.
But Americans are past survival. Americans and most other post industrial societies are beyond thought of need and are on thought to want. (But the economic crisis brings a new change. And I do believe this is a needed change. Everyone needs to know real value. Value within themselves.)
But let me get back to the need for survival. You see most Americans (and most from here on out when I say most Americans I also mean most post industrial societies but I am using Americans as I am one. ) never feel an ounce of real, pure, crisp, need.
And when someone no longer feels need then we are left to feel the absolutely gripping of a diseased want. Yes, for Americans want is all they "need". "If I just had this and blah blah blah". Want doesn't ever make you fulfilled. Want has us into turned to a zombie like robot. Yes, a mix. Brain dead and hungry for flesh. Thirsty for blood and operating according to a certain social code of conduct. And all of this leaves me feeling faithless. And useless.
Because I disagree.
I believe that if we have more than what we need than we have no excuse not to give all the extra to those that truly need.
But I cannot give anything to anyone other than thought or conversation. I have no money. I have wanted to return to college but cannot because of a most unfortunate debt. SO I am left to think. Without classes or a job to attend. I am left alone to ponder. And I ponder and I ponder about the roots of a human being. About existence itself.
I remember the fact ha more often than not I feel like we are all trapped. Stuck. In a world of do this and do that for this and for that. All physical. But nothing physical to me, has ever mattered. I do not have huge want for myself. I only ever wanted to make something of myself for others. But I feel like I am without the strength I used to have. Regardless of whether or not I agree with how things are going at this very moment. I cannot think of any real change I could bring. But I want to. I want to believe that each person has a purpose and each thing we do is some how connected. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I am here back in Salem again for some meaning unknown.
I sometimes believe that my life will never be as big as I once thought. Sometimes I think that I am where I am because I am not to help myself but to help others. Then I look around and who am I helping? I just feel so much disdain so many building issues but I digress. I just have to write. It is the only thing that I find a level of comfort so great that can calm me in my distress. My words, when written release me completely.
i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down  |
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 | alexisbea  |
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