It is hard to know the truth about anyone or anything. It is hard to delve so deep that you forget yourself and the situation. It is hard to express a single moment independently because as we all know, each second is effected by the previous and each moment soon becomes the future. We are all breathing in and out waiting for what comes next but there are seconds where nothing stands in our way and yet we do nothing. Just sit. Just wait. Wait? What for? What am I waiting for? I keep remembering the past. Remembering most collaboratively of the moments. Remembering such times as hours, days, months, even years, remembering what I would refer to as chapters in my life. But then there is a question that remains which is what second separates one chapter from the next? Is it a chance meeting or a movement from a certain place or situation? Is it just any progress in general. Where there seems to be real action. When conflict is presented and then resolved? What are the chapters of my life? I feel like I own a few chapters. I feel a few are under my belt. I feel like it's almost time to put the towel in. Like a chapter should be over but it keeps lingering on. I want so badly to end this chapter of waiting. Because honestly that is all I do. On a daily basis I await the morrow. I await person or events. I await situation or activities. I await a schedule. I await and welcome any kind of change. But it doesn't really appear before me. Nothing is like the illusion of luck. Where one stands in a doorway forever looking excitedly down the hallway for one of those other doors to open. Luck will teach us that eventually something will happen. Guess fate and luck go hand in hand. But here I am waiting and exclaiming that perhaps, maybe, I don't believe in fate. Perhaps I don't believe in luck. Perhaps a handful of people seem lucky out of nothing but circumstance. And this is when I realize that the waiting not the chapter is in vain. And then I become compelled to do something. To DO something. To instead of waiting and watching the other doors down the hallway. I walk. I walk over towards the other doors and I myself open them. I myself make whatever changes happen. I myself turn the page and decide now that this, this is my new chapter. This is where I get up off my ass and do something about my current situation. Because nothing is more disgraceful than a person sitting and withering away. I disregard sometimes the facts when I am feeling down. I often say or do things I don't really need to say or do. Sometimes things I don't mean. But it is all part of the illusion. The ultimate illusion of reality. And I have to live by it or I will never be able to live in it. And I cannot live in my head all the time. There must be a new chapter. "When Alexis decides to leave her head and go out upon the world" because there is nothing stopping me, but me. I have confessed to making a mess out of myself. I know that me being in this place and in this mindset is my fault. But I am choosing to do something different. I know the fact of the matter is that the definition of insanity is to do something repeatedly and each time expect a different result. I look at many of the choices I have made and they are all really quite similar. I keep softening over these mistakes with others. Making them look more like fate has taken place but it has been me all along. It has been me making the choices. This is my life. I make it. I break it. And while I am oh so good at telling stories or sorrow and horror. I wish to be more than that. I wish to be a hero. So I will do. Because I need a new chapter. To Leave My Mind and Regain the World. A new perspective.
I agree, the time is right for you, to dedicate yourself to a direction; a meaningful direction. I've read a lot of your blogs. Your vision is amazing and gorgeous, whether you are looking at yourself, or outside yourself. It makes me dizzy. And you are a poet.
I think the motel/hotel rooms image, is a big clue. I like it. I see it, too - in my own life, I think. Outside your mind, with a new perspective, how far, how much do you want to see? I mean, what little to rely on, will keep you happy? How much do you need to know, up front, to keep calm?
These are really good questions for you, if you really examine them. How much can you see if you don't really look for anything?
I myself, am trying to get to Paris via Florida, and NYC, by finishing a novel in Florida. Perhaps you know something of my plight, perhaps not. If you read my current 'about me', you can learn of my progress thus far.
I actually just now read this, but regardless - I adore it. This is where honesty and forward motion collide. I think everyone lives for that, even if they die unaware of its force. Happy New Year, by the way.
Posted by Trace. on January 15, 2009 - Thursday - 7:04 PM
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