Showing posts with label people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label people. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Things Change

I've gone through storms and I've walked through sunshine with you. But more often than not you turned on me. You'd just walk away. You told me to fend for myself. Find my own way home. And after years and years of pressure from the weight of the rain, the sleet, and snow, I start to regress. I start to need someone or something to feel complete. I start to feel like if forgiveness is in pictures and movies than I could easily mix up my own version. Something in my head. To make things more constructed and more worthwhile. So I wait. I wait for you to contact me. You do. It's like it always is. I let all the pain leave my body. I just know that I had and what I now have. I look at the present and do my best to forget the past.
So we start walking again. Walking and talking like two people should. Talking like friends and cheering each other on like fans. But then your eyes turn like twisters and you start holding me up. You start twisting your words and telling me this means that and that means this. And I start to doubt myself because you tell me what is true and what is false. So as far back as I can remember I've wanted to walk around with someone to trust. So I remember that and I remember the best of times and I forget that you mixed the meanings and I continue to walk through heavy storms and light sunshine with you. All hoping that I'm helping you and you are helping me. All believing that somehow we've discovered something true and something other's would easily be jealous of. I feel a truth between me and you. I often think about the level of honesty we had for each other. I often think about all I've said and all the truths that I expressed. And in many ways these thoughts make me shutter now. You would be telling everyone everything because you don't hold truth like I do. You don't hold secrets in your veins. If things go wrong you change tides. You turn into a monster and expect me to react like usual. Then you tell everyone else that I am the monster. Well we could both be monsters, were both human. But I know the biggest weight of this is within me. Cause I kept letting it grown. One day I see your eyes have remained like twisters for weeks. I start to fear your eyes. Then I start to fear you. One day you blow up. You rock back and forth like a chair and shout like I've done something wrong. I think of parents and children and remember the pain inside that I had so easily released. I was so hoping this would never happen again. I thought it was truth that we had. And I realize what I should have know from the beginning. Within the words of others. Stated by you. You never cared. You only wanted. So deep. But so wrong. So crooked. I could never walk with you through storms. I could never walk with you through even the brightest of sunshine again. And from all of this I have learned not only from you but within all the others. I have learned. There is truth you seek and truth that finds you. The truth that finds you is what you need and the truth you seeks was never real. Was never pure to start. So for all of you with thoughts tonight; full, impure, and burning, I must say forget them. Unleash yourself to the world. Because if you know who YOU are then that is all that matters. No thoughts tonight, so surrounded by the words of others. Remember only you will be judged for you and you alone. People are creatures of habit and desirous of everything. We all want so form of communication. So do your walking and it will find you. What is supposed to happen will fall into place. There is nothing so important yesterday that you must contemplate it today or tomorrow. The past is behind you and the future is yet to come. So breath in, breath out, and live for today, because no one will give you the punishment or the pleasure you truly deserve the instant you deserve it.

"so be cool, and believe, in the things you haven't learned
because you've lost and its gone but it will return.
now it's all laid out in front of you
and thats half murdered the mystery.
are you still too shy, to describe?
now the whole world is waking up,
a ribbon cut for the opening.
yes, finally the day has arrived.
so seek and rejoice, fill your hands with something tangible
and fly, your own love like a flag.
it's joy, the desire for that which is impossible, and accept what you get with a smile."
-bright eyes

[play]------+







i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down

this comment box was very hard to find. this blog made my day rainy.
sometimes i need a rainy day. thanks. love. davey.
Posted by i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down on
February 4, 2009 - Wednesday - 8:54 PM

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Sleep

sleep

when I'm with you

you are all I want

and I could lye

in these dreams

and believe

in these sheets

forever

always

when I'm without you

I cannot focus

The world is blurry

I forget I am alive

I become death

in it's earliest sense

sleep

when I'm with you

I could breath in words

and I could read the wind

cause I had something going

with the direction of these days

but I am easily buried

in linens and I toss

and I turn trying to find my own

sleep

lately, I cannot hear you

lately, I cannot feel you

lately, I forget you

and I am growing tired

all the while

but if I lose myself

in this image

of cotton and silk

I'd at least know

just once

how it feels

to sleep

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Completely

I am not, in the least bit, feeling well!
One entire side of my body, the left side, is starting to ache terribly because of those damn ipod ear buds. Each bud is too big for my tiny ears and have rubbed, rubbed, and rubbed my ears raw. Now I have a scab. Which seems to be infected because now the pain is not only in my ear but all down the left side of my neck and my left lymph node is you guessed it swollen. Guess these large ear buds are making me sick. Or perhaps this is just another one of those irritating things that keep happening to me. And I just stand around like ah duh...what do I do?
I feel stupid. Which is something I would have difficulty admitting. But I am disappointed in myself. I feel listless. I am so thankful for everything I have ever gotten or anyone who has ever helped me in anyway. But I'm making the shitlist all on my own. I am so passionate about something one minute and the next minute it is nothing more than a passing fancy. But I say I want to do this and I want to do that and when I speak about these things I am not talking just to talk. I do want to do those things.
I just don't really have faith in myself. Not like I used to. The faith I used to have in my abilities is far gone. I start thinking about how progressive and regressive the last few years have been for me. Basically I'm always right where I left on. Did I learn anything?
I have, I know that I have but I just feel so freaking stuck.
Stuck without faith, stuck without hope, stuck with a pray.
Oh religion, is that what I need? Am I a lost lamb again?
I don't know. I don't think I am lost. I know what I know. I believe in what I believe and could careless what others do.
I don't know if I care at all honestly.
I mean there are so many discrepancies between the way things are and the way things should be. So many that everyone just think that what is, IS. and IS is unchangeable. But that's a lie.
I feel like a lot of this life and a lot of this meaning is a lie.
I mean there are moments, real moments in your life where you will feel on top of the world and you will look around and see all the wonderful people and say something to yourself like "this is it, this is what life is all about" but then there are moments where the same exact situation is at play and it seems so different. So dull. So meaningless.
Not that the people are meaningless or that the interaction between them is ever meaningless but I look at a few things and start to wonder if the meaning is really there.
For instance there are times I look at all the world and can find no meaning in anything other than the need for survival for ourselves and each other. Survival.
But Americans are past survival. Americans and most other post industrial societies are beyond thought of need and are on thought to want. (But the economic crisis brings a new change. And I do believe this is a needed change. Everyone needs to know real value. Value within themselves.)
But let me get back to the need for survival. You see most Americans (and most from here on out when I say most Americans I also mean most post industrial societies but I am using Americans as I am one. ) never feel an ounce of real, pure, crisp, need.
And when someone no longer feels need then we are left to feel the absolutely gripping of a diseased want. Yes, for Americans want is all they "need". "If I just had this and blah blah blah". Want doesn't ever make you fulfilled. Want has us into turned to a zombie like robot. Yes, a mix. Brain dead and hungry for flesh. Thirsty for blood and operating according to a certain social code of conduct. And all of this leaves me feeling faithless. And useless.
Because I disagree.
I believe that if we have more than what we need than we have no excuse not to give all the extra to those that truly need.
But I cannot give anything to anyone other than thought or conversation. I have no money. I have wanted to return to college but cannot because of a most unfortunate debt. SO I am left to think. Without classes or a job to attend. I am left alone to ponder. And I ponder and I ponder about the roots of a human being. About existence itself.
I remember the fact ha more often than not I feel like we are all trapped. Stuck. In a world of do this and do that for this and for that. All physical. But nothing physical to me, has ever mattered. I do not have huge want for myself. I only ever wanted to make something of myself for others. But I feel like I am without the strength I used to have. Regardless of whether or not I agree with how things are going at this very moment. I cannot think of any real change I could bring. But I want to. I want to believe that each person has a purpose and each thing we do is some how connected. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I am here back in Salem again for some meaning unknown.
I sometimes believe that my life will never be as big as I once thought. Sometimes I think that I am where I am because I am not to help myself but to help others. Then I look around and who am I helping? I just feel so much disdain so many building issues but I digress. I just have to write. It is the only thing that I find a level of comfort so great that can calm me in my distress. My words, when written release me completely.

i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down

"I sometimes believe that my life will never be as big as I once thought. " come on now rocket girl. your life is great and will get even greater. you are an inspiration to me and i love you very much. i know it's hard to think like that when the hard times are upon you, so that's why i'm reminding you. one day you'll read this blog and laugh. your laugh, now that's something great. and you're right, most of your life will probably be spent helping others instead of yourself. and that's one of the greatest things.


you make me sing,davey
Posted by i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down on
January 16, 2009 - Friday - 4:09 PM


alexisbea

Davey,
You are my best friend and I don't know what I would do without you! That last post made me smile really big! I love you so much and I wish j could see you everyday. Perhaps one day but regardless I know that I can always count on you and vice versa. You are a magnificent person and I am so glad we are friends. You make a lot of what I do meaningful and I appreciate that. Love you so so much.
Even more than I love the lyrical geniuses Bob Dylan and Conor Oberst! Whoa that's a ton!!!! :)
Posted by alexisbea on January 16, 2009 - Friday - 4:23 PM

Monday, January 5, 2009

A New Perspective

It is hard to know the truth about anyone or anything. It is hard to delve so deep that you forget yourself and the situation. It is hard to express a single moment independently because as we all know, each second is effected by the previous and each moment soon becomes the future. We are all breathing in and out waiting for what comes next but there are seconds where nothing stands in our way and yet we do nothing. Just sit. Just wait. Wait? What for? What am I waiting for? I keep remembering the past. Remembering most collaboratively of the moments. Remembering such times as hours, days, months, even years, remembering what I would refer to as chapters in my life. But then there is a question that remains which is what second separates one chapter from the next? Is it a chance meeting or a movement from a certain place or situation? Is it just any progress in general. Where there seems to be real action. When conflict is presented and then resolved? What are the chapters of my life? I feel like I own a few chapters. I feel a few are under my belt. I feel like it's almost time to put the towel in. Like a chapter should be over but it keeps lingering on. I want so badly to end this chapter of waiting. Because honestly that is all I do. On a daily basis I await the morrow. I await person or events. I await situation or activities. I await a schedule. I await and welcome any kind of change. But it doesn't really appear before me. Nothing is like the illusion of luck. Where one stands in a doorway forever looking excitedly down the hallway for one of those other doors to open. Luck will teach us that eventually something will happen. Guess fate and luck go hand in hand. But here I am waiting and exclaiming that perhaps, maybe, I don't believe in fate. Perhaps I don't believe in luck. Perhaps a handful of people seem lucky out of nothing but circumstance. And this is when I realize that the waiting not the chapter is in vain. And then I become compelled to do something. To DO something. To instead of waiting and watching the other doors down the hallway. I walk. I walk over towards the other doors and I myself open them. I myself make whatever changes happen. I myself turn the page and decide now that this, this is my new chapter. This is where I get up off my ass and do something about my current situation. Because nothing is more disgraceful than a person sitting and withering away. I disregard sometimes the facts when I am feeling down. I often say or do things I don't really need to say or do. Sometimes things I don't mean. But it is all part of the illusion. The ultimate illusion of reality. And I have to live by it or I will never be able to live in it. And I cannot live in my head all the time. There must be a new chapter. "When Alexis decides to leave her head and go out upon the world" because there is nothing stopping me, but me. I have confessed to making a mess out of myself. I know that me being in this place and in this mindset is my fault. But I am choosing to do something different. I know the fact of the matter is that the definition of insanity is to do something repeatedly and each time expect a different result. I look at many of the choices I have made and they are all really quite similar. I keep softening over these mistakes with others. Making them look more like fate has taken place but it has been me all along. It has been me making the choices. This is my life. I make it. I break it. And while I am oh so good at telling stories or sorrow and horror. I wish to be more than that. I wish to be a hero. So I will do. Because I need a new chapter. To Leave My Mind and Regain the World. A new perspective.



i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down

that's right lady. so right.
Posted by i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down on January 5, 2009 - Monday - 12:34 AM

WAR SEX VIDEO

I agree, the time is right for you, to dedicate yourself to a direction; a meaningful direction. I've read a lot of your blogs. Your vision is amazing and gorgeous, whether you are looking at yourself, or outside yourself. It makes me dizzy. And you are a poet.

I think the motel/hotel rooms image, is a big clue. I like it. I see it, too - in my own life, I think. Outside your mind, with a new perspective, how far, how much do you want to see? I mean, what little to rely on, will keep you happy? How much do you need to know, up front, to keep calm?

These are really good questions for you, if you really examine them. How much can you see if you don't really look for anything?

I myself, am trying to get to Paris via Florida, and NYC, by finishing a novel in Florida. Perhaps you know something of my plight, perhaps not. If you read my current 'about me', you can learn of my progress thus far.


Trace.

I actually just now read this, but regardless - I adore it. This is where honesty and forward motion collide. I think everyone lives for that, even if they die unaware of its force. Happy New Year, by the way.
Posted by Trace. on January 15, 2009 - Thursday - 7:04 PM

I Am

I am not someone more than others. I am not someone less than others. I am not with I am not without I am just a being that's what I'm about. I am not circumstantial I am not a situation I am not someone to deal with I am not someone to deal out I am just a being that's what I'm about. I am not too young I am not too old I am not too small I am not too large what I am is just right Just right for my body and just right for the space that I take and just right for the air that I breath I am not too anything I am not too nothing I am just a being yeah, that's what I'm about. Existing within Existing without whatever you could think of me now think twice perhaps three times for I am even lesser for I am even more than thoughts produce I am I am not the best I am not the worst I am not the average the last or the first I am not the middle I am not the in between I am separate delicate I am me.



♥Pikachu♥

You're really good at poetry!
Posted by ♥Pikachu♥ on January 5, 2009 - Monday - 12:03 AM

♫ Drop Beats,Not Bombs ♪♪

I really love this.
Posted by ♫ Drop Beats,Not Bombs ♪♪ on January 5, 2009 - Monday - 12:06 AM

alexisbea

thanks guys :D
Posted by alexisbea on January 5, 2009 - Monday - 12:14 AM

i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down

"i am not rocket girl...oops yes i am." this was my favorite line from that blog. just kidding, that was great and i loved it and i love you.
Posted by i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down on January 5, 2009 - Monday - 12:29 AM

Ashley Mayhem™

I love this, it rolled right off my tongue.
Posted by Ashley Mayhem™ on January 5, 2009 - Monday - 5:42 PM

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Only Fools

There are moments and theses are more often than not, that I feel confident in the fact that I am empty. Confident and comfortable. There are moments and these are few are far between, and I feel I want something solid, strong, someone. Confident and comfortable. But a breeze of wind blows these thoughts away. I can wither and I will. I will wither away. I'm serious when I say that is scares me with everything inside to think that it would be could be should be but I'd hold back, I'd never let it be. I'm working on feeling. I'm working on holding. I'm hoping for a feeling I'm hoping for a hand to hold. Something bold. Something you can't put words too but only melody will do. But I shake and I shutter at the thought of an ending which is really just a beginning but it is a door I'm afraid to open. And a window I am afraid to close. It's like I want to step out because I've done my best looking and I want to touch what I look at but window shopping is easy yes, window shopping is safe. I could pay off my debts on a rainy day. I could pay off my debts today, if I only knew with whom they were really owed. And so I will sleep with grins and smirks cause I'm a jerk. I'm a fool quite simply. To offer nothing and everything all at the very same time. Yes, I am a fool quite simply. But only you really know. And I regret it sometimes that I've showed you. But even more so I am glad I know you. I am glad you understand. And there is something steady and reliable in your voice something calming in your choice of words and touch and such and such I'm rhyming if not just to pass the time. So long. It's been nice. Sleep with grins and smirks cause we're all just jerks...waiting for some new sunrise. There are moments and theses are more often than not, that I feel confident in the fact that I am empty. Confident and comfortable. There are moments and these are few are far between, and I feel I want something solid, strong, someone. Confident and comfortable. And so I will sleep with grins and smirks cause I'm a jerk. I'm a fool quite simply. To offer nothing and everything all at the very same time. Yes, I am a fool quite simply.




i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down

that's super good rocket girl. very cutting, but still beautiful.
Posted by i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down on January 3, 2009 - Saturday - 5:58 PM

Monday, December 22, 2008

Untitled

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Stupid Lazy Boy

Waking up in the morning to a full plate of breakfast right next you in bed must feel good. Does it make you feel complete? Knowing that you have your warmth of the shelter, the comfort of a meal, and the love of another that graciously prepares and delivers to you each day.

And you get dressed and go off to work. You kiss her goodbye and as you pull away from the drive with nothing but ordinary and as usual written on your face, she waves farewell.

She starts to pack her bags. First things first, the clothes, the shoes, the makeup, the boxed letters and poets she hid from you, the paintings she hung on the walls. The coffee maker, she'll need that at the very least. So she doesn't pick up after you today. She just packs and goes on her way.

She left without warning. Without even the slightest alarm. There is something in here moving her to run. She can't be settle in this world you want her in. A box with two bedrooms just in case. A nice kitchen and dinning room set. A beautiful couch and love seat and your stupid lazy boy.

And it defines you in more ways than one. You stupid, lazy boy. You don't realize what you have. You don't really understand all she has offered and all that has already been given to you. You stupid, lazy boy you have no hope in living. You just wait for the next day. You don't even appreciate your own breath. You stupid, lazy boy she was the only freedom you had.

Someday man will see that we have chosen all of this for ourselves. And on that day we will all pull into our over sized parking lots or garages with out heavy duty vehicles and we will shut and lock the doors as usual. We will enter the home like every other day. We will not feel her absence. But once we start looking around and feel nothing but emptiness we will then realize.

We will realize what we have given up for our stupid nine to fives. We will realize what knowledge, what wisdom we have truly sacrificed by our laziness of vehicles and televisions. We will realize our pride and our envy and that they are both in vain. We will realize our wrath immediately, here after and all we will want to do is cry. We will want to curl back into ourselves. Into the spirits that we are. But until we wake up from this pattern of living, this lifestyle of denial and spiritual blindness we will never see the face to true freedom.

Stupid Lazy Boy, you thought you had it all. You thought you knew it all.Stupid Lazy Boy, what does it feel like to come into conflict with yourself on such a level that it is rising like fire in your veins? Does it make you want to move? Does it make you want to argue? Does it make you want to write, to paint, to draw? Does it make you want to experience life for all it's beauty and all it's true. A beauty and truth recognizable by all humans?Does it make you want to deny me, freedom even more for fear that you have in fact been wrong in your existence all along?

I don't mean to cause frustration and I don't mean to cause angry.I don't mean to cause sadness and I don't mean to cause despair.But I certainly do not mean to cause apathy in thee.Oh Stupid Lazy Boy, you have power beyond your knowledge. Do you're best to wake up. There is a whole universe out there. Why don't you look around? Tell me what you really see!



"And the turtles, of course... All the turtles are free- As turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be."
Dr. Seuss
"Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting."
E. E. Cummings
"The only people for me are the mad ones. The ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."
Jack Kerouac



It's bonertime

am i stupid lazy boy. this blog sounds like me to a "T"
Posted by It's bonertime on December 26, 2008 - Friday - 1:44 AM

i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down

true...true
Posted by i wear the black for the poor and the beaten down on January 3, 2009 - Saturday - 5:38 PM

WAR SEX VIDEO

The Jack Kerouac quote is really inspiring.

Posted by WAR SEX VIDEO on January 5, 2009 - Monday - 8:18 AM

Saturday, December 20, 2008

You'll Follow Me

I can identify
with all the air you breath tonight
because half of it is mine
look at me and look at yourself
there is nothing here going well
I think I have to run to get any ground
and you put me on a mountain top
and in such a small corner
I feel so cramped and I cannot get off
I don't know where to go
I wish I had some place to be
but I'm running out of time
If I don't find a new attitude
this might be my future too
but if I run away
I get the feeling that it won;t just be me
I think you'll follow me
we've shared too much about ourselves
I can't perceive you any other way
and if it hurts to hear these words
well I have nothing else to say
cause every time I look at you
I see a real good friend
but I could never wander back again
and in my mind we never had
to any of that
but I guess I would not be me
now just looking back
and oh I say dear have I changed
and all you can say is yes
but you have no idea babe
you have no idea
there is nothing here going well
I think I have to run to get any ground
and you put me on a mountain top
and in such a small corner
I feel so cramped and I cannot get off
I don't know where to go
I wish I had some place to be
but I'm running out of time
If I don't find a new attitude
this might be my future too
but if I run away
I get the feeling that it won't just be me
I think you'll follow me
yeah oh my dear you'd follow me.