I want you to imagine your biggest and boldest dream. What does it involve? Is it happiness, love, truth? Is it wealth? Is it driven by passion or compassion. Or both? Are you looking towards a field alone or is someone holding your hand? I want to know where you see yourself in five years. Are you here, still? Are you empty, still? Will you forget bad language and bad habits and replace them with shine and wax or will you replace them with a person and a place? Will you be loved or in love? There is always something to dream. No matter how close you are to living or dying, You will absolutely and always desire and dream. And I want to know what is. What are you dreaming about today? Will it change tomorrow? I just want to know what you desire with everyday as it begins and as it breaks what is your first thought? I miss being so close to someone that I never had fears of any words I could speak I miss being so close to someone that there was listening from both ends largely physical and emotional but majority of it was a simple truth and we shared it. I just miss the relax and the exhilaration of having another person around that touches the same desires. there is nothing like the burn between two souls so hot to touch so comforting, in its warmth and this is my desire.
I've gone through storms and I've walked through sunshine with you. But more often than not you turned on me. You'd just walk away. You told me to fend for myself. Find my own way home. And after years and years of pressure from the weight of the rain, the sleet, and snow, I start to regress. I start to need someone or something to feel complete. I start to feel like if forgiveness is in pictures and movies than I could easily mix up my own version. Something in my head. To make things more constructed and more worthwhile. So I wait. I wait for you to contact me. You do. It's like it always is. I let all the pain leave my body. I just know that I had and what I now have. I look at the present and do my best to forget the past. So we start walking again. Walking and talking like two people should. Talking like friends and cheering each other on like fans. But then your eyes turn like twisters and you start holding me up. You start twisting your words and telling me this means that and that means this. And I start to doubt myself because you tell me what is true and what is false. So as far back as I can remember I've wanted to walk around with someone to trust. So I remember that and I remember the best of times and I forget that you mixed the meanings and I continue to walk through heavy storms and light sunshine with you. All hoping that I'm helping you and you are helping me. All believing that somehow we've discovered something true and something other's would easily be jealous of. I feel a truth between me and you. I often think about the level of honesty we had for each other. I often think about all I've said and all the truths that I expressed. And in many ways these thoughts make me shutter now. You would be telling everyone everything because you don't hold truth like I do. You don't hold secrets in your veins. If things go wrong you change tides. You turn into a monster and expect me to react like usual. Then you tell everyone else that I am the monster. Well we could both be monsters, were both human. But I know the biggest weight of this is within me. Cause I kept letting it grown. One day I see your eyes have remained like twisters for weeks. I start to fear your eyes. Then I start to fear you. One day you blow up. You rock back and forth like a chair and shout like I've done something wrong. I think of parents and children and remember the pain inside that I had so easily released. I was so hoping this would never happen again. I thought it was truth that we had. And I realize what I should have know from the beginning. Within the words of others. Stated by you. You never cared. You only wanted. So deep. But so wrong. So crooked. I could never walk with you through storms. I could never walk with you through even the brightest of sunshine again. And from all of this I have learned not only from you but within all the others. I have learned. There is truth you seek and truth that finds you. The truth that finds you is what you need and the truth you seeks was never real. Was never pure to start. So for all of you with thoughts tonight; full, impure, and burning, I must say forget them. Unleash yourself to the world. Because if you know who YOU are then that is all that matters. No thoughts tonight, so surrounded by the words of others. Remember only you will be judged for you and you alone. People are creatures of habit and desirous of everything. We all want so form of communication. So do your walking and it will find you. What is supposed to happen will fall into place. There is nothing so important yesterday that you must contemplate it today or tomorrow. The past is behind you and the future is yet to come. So breath in, breath out, and live for today, because no one will give you the punishment or the pleasure you truly deserve the instant you deserve it.
"so be cool, and believe, in the things you haven't learned because you've lost and its gone but it will return. now it's all laid out in front of you and thats half murdered the mystery. are you still too shy, to describe? now the whole world is waking up, a ribbon cut for the opening. yes, finally the day has arrived. so seek and rejoice, fill your hands with something tangible and fly, your own love like a flag. it's joy, the desire for that which is impossible, and accept what you get with a smile." -bright eyes
covered up lightly with a blanket keep them safe keep them sound keep them always keep them around but don't build on this do not build on dreams like foundations no structure can it hold no existence can it contain for dreams are not foundations but dreams are clay dreams are brought up from the ground and made and molded to be dreams are sparkling and vibrant there is nothing like letting go but there is nothing more powerful than to release a dream releasing a dream into reality true strength and true passion demonstrates itself as your dream becomes a whole body all your positives are embodied tightly in the nitch that you can stitch but remember this if you insist on forgetting the rest you cannot create by just dreaming but you can dream to create and that is the golden apple that is the tastiest fruit we can eat the fruit of creativity eat it, plant it, cultivate it make it your own young wonder and fresh crisp dreams are like the gunshots fired before a race you must run but remember to run it run, run, run with all you have.
I am not, in the least bit, feeling well! One entire side of my body, the left side, is starting to ache terribly because of those damn ipod ear buds. Each bud is too big for my tiny ears and have rubbed, rubbed, and rubbed my ears raw. Now I have a scab. Which seems to be infected because now the pain is not only in my ear but all down the left side of my neck and my left lymph node is you guessed it swollen. Guess these large ear buds are making me sick. Or perhaps this is just another one of those irritating things that keep happening to me. And I just stand around like ah duh...what do I do? I feel stupid. Which is something I would have difficulty admitting. But I am disappointed in myself. I feel listless. I am so thankful for everything I have ever gotten or anyone who has ever helped me in anyway. But I'm making the shitlist all on my own. I am so passionate about something one minute and the next minute it is nothing more than a passing fancy. But I say I want to do this and I want to do that and when I speak about these things I am not talking just to talk. I do want to do those things. I just don't really have faith in myself. Not like I used to. The faith I used to have in my abilities is far gone. I start thinking about how progressive and regressive the last few years have been for me. Basically I'm always right where I left on. Did I learn anything? I have, I know that I have but I just feel so freaking stuck. Stuck without faith, stuck without hope, stuck with a pray. Oh religion, is that what I need? Am I a lost lamb again? I don't know. I don't think I am lost. I know what I know. I believe in what I believe and could careless what others do. I don't know if I care at all honestly. I mean there are so many discrepancies between the way things are and the way things should be. So many that everyone just think that what is, IS. and IS is unchangeable. But that's a lie. I feel like a lot of this life and a lot of this meaning is a lie. I mean there are moments, real moments in your life where you will feel on top of the world and you will look around and see all the wonderful people and say something to yourself like "this is it, this is what life is all about" but then there are moments where the same exact situation is at play and it seems so different. So dull. So meaningless. Not that the people are meaningless or that the interaction between them is ever meaningless but I look at a few things and start to wonder if the meaning is really there. For instance there are times I look at all the world and can find no meaning in anything other than the need for survival for ourselves and each other. Survival. But Americans are past survival. Americans and most other post industrial societies are beyond thought of need and are on thought to want. (But the economic crisis brings a new change. And I do believe this is a needed change. Everyone needs to know real value. Value within themselves.) But let me get back to the need for survival. You see most Americans (and most from here on out when I say most Americans I also mean most post industrial societies but I am using Americans as I am one. ) never feel an ounce of real, pure, crisp, need. And when someone no longer feels need then we are left to feel the absolutely gripping of a diseased want. Yes, for Americans want is all they "need". "If I just had this and blah blah blah". Want doesn't ever make you fulfilled. Want has us into turned to a zombie like robot. Yes, a mix. Brain dead and hungry for flesh. Thirsty for blood and operating according to a certain social code of conduct. And all of this leaves me feeling faithless. And useless. Because I disagree. I believe that if we have more than what we need than we have no excuse not to give all the extra to those that truly need. But I cannot give anything to anyone other than thought or conversation. I have no money. I have wanted to return to college but cannot because of a most unfortunate debt. SO I am left to think. Without classes or a job to attend. I am left alone to ponder. And I ponder and I ponder about the roots of a human being. About existence itself. I remember the fact ha more often than not I feel like we are all trapped. Stuck. In a world of do this and do that for this and for that. All physical. But nothing physical to me, has ever mattered. I do not have huge want for myself. I only ever wanted to make something of myself for others. But I feel like I am without the strength I used to have. Regardless of whether or not I agree with how things are going at this very moment. I cannot think of any real change I could bring. But I want to. I want to believe that each person has a purpose and each thing we do is some how connected. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I am here back in Salem again for some meaning unknown. I sometimes believe that my life will never be as big as I once thought. Sometimes I think that I am where I am because I am not to help myself but to help others. Then I look around and who am I helping? I just feel so much disdain so many building issues but I digress. I just have to write. It is the only thing that I find a level of comfort so great that can calm me in my distress. My words, when written release me completely.
"I sometimes believe that my life will never be as big as I once thought. " come on now rocket girl. your life is great and will get even greater. you are an inspiration to me and i love you very much. i know it's hard to think like that when the hard times are upon you, so that's why i'm reminding you. one day you'll read this blog and laugh. your laugh, now that's something great. and you're right, most of your life will probably be spent helping others instead of yourself. and that's one of the greatest things.
Davey, You are my best friend and I don't know what I would do without you! That last post made me smile really big! I love you so much and I wish j could see you everyday. Perhaps one day but regardless I know that I can always count on you and vice versa. You are a magnificent person and I am so glad we are friends. You make a lot of what I do meaningful and I appreciate that. Love you so so much. Even more than I love the lyrical geniuses Bob Dylan and Conor Oberst! Whoa that's a ton!!!! :)
Posted by alexisbea on January 16, 2009 - Friday - 4:23 PM
It is hard to know the truth about anyone or anything. It is hard to delve so deep that you forget yourself and the situation. It is hard to express a single moment independently because as we all know, each second is effected by the previous and each moment soon becomes the future. We are all breathing in and out waiting for what comes next but there are seconds where nothing stands in our way and yet we do nothing. Just sit. Just wait. Wait? What for? What am I waiting for? I keep remembering the past. Remembering most collaboratively of the moments. Remembering such times as hours, days, months, even years, remembering what I would refer to as chapters in my life. But then there is a question that remains which is what second separates one chapter from the next? Is it a chance meeting or a movement from a certain place or situation? Is it just any progress in general. Where there seems to be real action. When conflict is presented and then resolved? What are the chapters of my life? I feel like I own a few chapters. I feel a few are under my belt. I feel like it's almost time to put the towel in. Like a chapter should be over but it keeps lingering on. I want so badly to end this chapter of waiting. Because honestly that is all I do. On a daily basis I await the morrow. I await person or events. I await situation or activities. I await a schedule. I await and welcome any kind of change. But it doesn't really appear before me. Nothing is like the illusion of luck. Where one stands in a doorway forever looking excitedly down the hallway for one of those other doors to open. Luck will teach us that eventually something will happen. Guess fate and luck go hand in hand. But here I am waiting and exclaiming that perhaps, maybe, I don't believe in fate. Perhaps I don't believe in luck. Perhaps a handful of people seem lucky out of nothing but circumstance. And this is when I realize that the waiting not the chapter is in vain. And then I become compelled to do something. To DO something. To instead of waiting and watching the other doors down the hallway. I walk. I walk over towards the other doors and I myself open them. I myself make whatever changes happen. I myself turn the page and decide now that this, this is my new chapter. This is where I get up off my ass and do something about my current situation. Because nothing is more disgraceful than a person sitting and withering away. I disregard sometimes the facts when I am feeling down. I often say or do things I don't really need to say or do. Sometimes things I don't mean. But it is all part of the illusion. The ultimate illusion of reality. And I have to live by it or I will never be able to live in it. And I cannot live in my head all the time. There must be a new chapter. "When Alexis decides to leave her head and go out upon the world" because there is nothing stopping me, but me. I have confessed to making a mess out of myself. I know that me being in this place and in this mindset is my fault. But I am choosing to do something different. I know the fact of the matter is that the definition of insanity is to do something repeatedly and each time expect a different result. I look at many of the choices I have made and they are all really quite similar. I keep softening over these mistakes with others. Making them look more like fate has taken place but it has been me all along. It has been me making the choices. This is my life. I make it. I break it. And while I am oh so good at telling stories or sorrow and horror. I wish to be more than that. I wish to be a hero. So I will do. Because I need a new chapter. To Leave My Mind and Regain the World. A new perspective.
I agree, the time is right for you, to dedicate yourself to a direction; a meaningful direction. I've read a lot of your blogs. Your vision is amazing and gorgeous, whether you are looking at yourself, or outside yourself. It makes me dizzy. And you are a poet.
I think the motel/hotel rooms image, is a big clue. I like it. I see it, too - in my own life, I think. Outside your mind, with a new perspective, how far, how much do you want to see? I mean, what little to rely on, will keep you happy? How much do you need to know, up front, to keep calm?
These are really good questions for you, if you really examine them. How much can you see if you don't really look for anything?
I myself, am trying to get to Paris via Florida, and NYC, by finishing a novel in Florida. Perhaps you know something of my plight, perhaps not. If you read my current 'about me', you can learn of my progress thus far.
I actually just now read this, but regardless - I adore it. This is where honesty and forward motion collide. I think everyone lives for that, even if they die unaware of its force. Happy New Year, by the way.
Posted by Trace. on January 15, 2009 - Thursday - 7:04 PM
I am not someone more than others. I am not someone less than others. I am not with I am not without I am just a being that's what I'm about. I am not circumstantial I am not a situation I am not someone to deal with I am not someone to deal out I am just a being that's what I'm about. I am not too young I am not too old I am not too small I am not too large what I am is just right Just right for my body and just right for the space that I take and just right for the air that I breath I am not too anything I am not too nothing I am just a being yeah, that's what I'm about. Existing within Existing without whatever you could think of me now think twice perhaps three times for I am even lesser for I am even more than thoughts produce I am I am not the best I am not the worst I am not the average the last or the first I am not the middle I am not the in between I am separate delicate I am me.
There are moments and theses are more often than not, that I feel confident in the fact that I am empty. Confident and comfortable. There are moments and these are few are far between, and I feel I want something solid, strong, someone. Confident and comfortable. But a breeze of wind blows these thoughts away. I can wither and I will. I will wither away. I'm serious when I say that is scares me with everything inside to think that it would be could be should be but I'd hold back, I'd never let it be. I'm working on feeling. I'm working on holding. I'm hoping for a feeling I'm hoping for a hand to hold. Something bold. Something you can't put words too but only melody will do. But I shake and I shutter at the thought of an ending which is really just a beginning but it is a door I'm afraid to open. And a window I am afraid to close. It's like I want to step out because I've done my best looking and I want to touch what I look at but window shopping is easy yes, window shopping is safe. I could pay off my debts on a rainy day. I could pay off my debts today, if I only knew with whom they were really owed. And so I will sleep with grins and smirks cause I'm a jerk. I'm a fool quite simply. To offer nothing and everything all at the very same time. Yes, I am a fool quite simply. But only you really know. And I regret it sometimes that I've showed you. But even more so I am glad I know you. I am glad you understand. And there is something steady and reliable in your voice something calming in your choice of words and touch and such and such I'm rhyming if not just to pass the time. So long. It's been nice. Sleep with grins and smirks cause we're all just jerks...waiting for some new sunrise. There are moments and theses are more often than not, that I feel confident in the fact that I am empty. Confident and comfortable. There are moments and these are few are far between, and I feel I want something solid, strong, someone. Confident and comfortable. And so I will sleep with grins and smirks cause I'm a jerk. I'm a fool quite simply. To offer nothing and everything all at the very same time. Yes, I am a fool quite simply.
I pause to look at him for a moment. He is in a fit of rage. Eyes blood shot and nerves popping. This man is yelling and gritting his teeth at me. I don't really understand what I did. I cannot fathom what I could have possibly done to cause this reaction. Since I was born it seems I have been fighting for myself. Fighting to survive. Fighting to live. But then one day you wake up and you look at the sky and after that long lengthy stare. You have nothing else to say or to contemplate but why? Why survive? Why live?
What makes us want to hold on to this life? Is there some great treasure of which I am not aware? Something so indescribable and untouchable if a certain path is not walked? I want to know the feeling that a purpose is there. That a purpose gives me reason but not just reason but good reason. Do we only hold on to this life because of the fear of death? Is our will to live only so strong because we are sure that there is nothing left?
Lately I have been doing nothing but contemplating meaning, meaning in every situation, in every context, in every action, and in the following reaction. I've thought of you and the tears upons tears I shed and for what reason? I just wanted to be appreciated by you. Admired. Like you were a part of me. I could have left myself go. I could have easily used your words as real weapons against me. But they built me. They made me stronger. Made me harder to break. Made me mistrusting of even those I can trust. I wonder around now, aimlessly. It is true I am aimless. I am a bird not caged but a bird with no where to go. No place to call home. No bread of my own. Nothing like glue to stick me to a place. I just wander.
I am nothing absent in your mind. In fact, I bet you think of me all the time. You are troubled deeply within yourself and you do your best to take it out on everyone else. You cannot withhold or control yourself. Your rage is alway on and the temperature is always high. You'd rather make everyone suffer than to try and stay calm for a while.
If there is no reason to survive or to live, why do we strive towards it? We all have an ultimate goal. It is possible different for everyone but the truth is that we all have something planting us here. Whether it be fear or hope, love or hate. We are here to gain what we have so often thought and sought about. We are not aimless by nature. We were born with the strongest of wings to fly. And fly away. Away from misery. But something tells me we have become clipped and transfixed on one spot. One position keeping us grounded. What is being grounded anyway? Is realism any kind of thought process? Do you have to think to know what you see? Perhaps the mere observation is all you can withstand.
But as for me, the idealist. I see the unseen. The imaginary. The illusionary. The possibilities. I am only aimless in my lack of decisiveness. I realize you think you're way right, my way wrong. But that is because you cannot withstand the idea of something more. Something greater that the ground you walk on. You just see the world as it is and you complain. You complain because you can feel your weakness.
You yell at me because you are weaker than me. It took me so long to realize this. The truth of the matter is this; that all us have a purpose whether we identify with it or not but deep down we have the ache that creates a longing within us for it. And when you summit to reality and believe in only what is and not what could be you lose most of the possibility to ever meet your purpose head on. Idealism is more human. Idealism is natural, realism is created.
If you believe in anything believe that you exist or a purpose. Believe it with every strand of hair on your body and every pour on your skin and every drop or blood or ever tear you could ever cry. Believe that you are more than the eye can see. You are what you ache for, you are more. And If you don't know that you are more and you do not follow your true path even if it is against the grain you will have every reason in the world for rage. But you can't hold it in and you can't let it out enough to satisfy yourself. After years of knowing and living with you I realize that there are very few people whom withhold this much in them. Very few people whom dwell so much on the actions and reactions of others that it causes deep bouts of depression and rage that can interfere with you relationship and your life in general.
Imagine with me the greatest ache or itch. Nothing seems to sooth it and you constantly always feel it. But instead of wondering what it is, why it's there or where it's coming from you just ignore it. You might agitated it. Cover it up. Give others reason to believe it is something else. But in reality it is your purpose clawing at your feet. Scratching at your scalp. Waiting for you to open your mind to any and all opportunities. The quick fix would be to accept life as it comes in any position. The quick fix is letting your mind wander. The quick fix is idealism versus realism. Imagine the world better and it is. Whatever you think exists does. Whether or not their is notable evidence from others, you are in control of you. Others are not in control of you and you do not control others.
While you are in control you need to know this and remember why the aggravation is there. It is there as a natural push to do what you are meant to do, a spark to a fiery dream but when one let's go of dreams they turn into a vast array of rages. Rages of the mind. Rages of the heart. Rages of the soul and all the rest of your body feels like it wants to fall to pieces. To break. Rage is a feeling, easily controlled, so why do you let it get the best of you? Because you have chosen realism over idealism.
You see the world with blind and half open eyes. You hear the winds whispers of solace and hopefulness with a tone deaf ear. You touch the tangible with thieving hands. Think anything tangible is real? No! Spirituality is the only real thing. Ideas are the only real thing. This is why I believe realism causes rage and idealism promotes a more positive and reflective lifestyle. A lifestyle that is boundless versus one that is caged and unsatisfying. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
"no matter what people try to tell you words and ideas can change the world" -dead poets society "I don't care what car you drive, where you live, if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this years cutting edge. If your trust funds unlimited. If you are an A-list, B-list, never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you've been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind." -andre jordan
