Monday, May 4, 2009

A Means To Cope

I have held within myself a strong desire
for every man and for every woman
to be able to walk
holding hands without pressure
of pleasure, of pain.
I have dreamt of a peace
so much in neutrality
that as I look back
in retrospect
it is haunting me.
And seeing this
I have to stop
and I have to think.
I have to contemplate
my place.
Where and how
do I exist
among these others?
I know I am one of them
and my heart aches
for this reason
and more.
I have see and heard voices within
of angles telling
come home
and I did so
but look where I am
soon to be left in the dust
and alone
and I know I can always go back
to my mothers womb if need be
but I shutter to think I've learned nothing
in my whole double decade of being alive.
Not that my age tales a story.
But my years sure as hell do the trick.
And if I can't find anything that you deem successful
within this lonesome town
then I say you weren't much of a giver.
You weren't much of a teacher.
A provider and such.
I never had a male I could count on.
Not the ones I was supposed to be able to.
But I'm thinking back to who I once knew.
And I can't help but miss his voice.
If I could take back my teenage angst
I do it in a second to replace it with this.
And to have him back and to hear him.
Laugh like no time has ever gone by.
Sometimes at night I dream that
all these years passed have been just that.
Nothing more than a figment to pass.
But I wake and shiver and almost in tears
thinking I'm still here.
I'm still twenty.
I still got nothing in none of your eyes.
Well let me be the first to tell you.
That I have never found beauty in monetary things.
I have never found wisdom and I have never found wealth
in power or greed. In materials and wants.
I have found myself to be a bare bones woman.
I have found that I can survive on the very least.
And I like it this way very much.
I understand the true value in life.
Unlike you who drive cars to expensive to own.
Unlike you who lives in houses too big to live in
but not big enough to store all the gunk that you junk
it up inside and out with.
There are tears in my eyes at this second.
And I know they won't be easy to shake.
Cause this past couple days have been rough.
And I'm feeling like no one near me needs me.
Who cares about want? That's a lie.
All we need is to understand.
Give a little. Get a little.
But you can't give what you don't have.
If you don't have love you won't give it.
And if you don't have a soul it's the same.
Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna die.
And the thought doesn't bother me at all.
No I find a lot of comfort in it.
I know at least there
someone will know.
Someone else will understand.
And that's how I keep my head up
when your nose is stuck in disappoint.
But don't judge anything
and especially don't pass judgment
on what you can't, don't, won't
understand.
I felt really dead inside lately.
Like I'm walking in a fog on cloudless streets.
I think I would cry myself to sleep
except for the fact I'm awake.
Nothing makes me happy completely
when I've got you to look down upon me.
How rare and beaten I feel
to know that I misjudged you for good.
I guess that's a lesson in judgment.
I guess that's a lesson in trust.
And as I breath in
and as I breath out
it's becoming harder for me to hold back my thoughts.
I want to shout them out loud to your faces.
You have no idea the difficulty.
And you women who cower behind them
and pretend that you don't have a say.
Well you are just as bad
you little actor.
Pretend this is just a play.
Pretend I'm not really your daughter.
I guess that will make it okay.
I'm not sure why I'm so upset.
I mean this feeling is so familiar.
Too familiar.
I just can't believe it's real again.
Makes me disgusted with myself.
I trusted you with my being.
And you throw it right back in my face.
Well you have no clue
just what karma can do
and I bet that you'll shiver that day.
And I won't even stare your direction.
On the day when the punishment hits.
I don't care to know what you get.
It's comfort enough knowing you'll get it.
So as I finish this line I hope you realize
this has been about you and your
lack of faith in me.
Not just that but mostly the fact
that you lied and then covered it up
with another.
And one can only lie so much
before the truth starts to stick his feet out
and up from the ground
I found something
and it's proof that
you don't give a damn.
Well after today is over.
I will settle what needs to be set.
Don't expect me to call you.
Don't expect to hear my name.
Just pretend that I'm not your daughter.
Perhaps then it will make it okay.

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